Just because I live in L.A. doesn’t make me a Perez Hilton – but just like anybody else, I find the lives of celebrities fascinating. Well, OK I find Rivers Coumo’s sex life and Mel Gibson’s hatred of the Jews fascinating.

If you didn’t hear about Mel getting pulled over for a DUI in Malibu and yelling such immortal lines as “What’re you looking at, sugartits?” and “Fucking Jews…are you a Jew?” read the reports over on the New York Daily News. Apparently the police station wanted to cover it up, but with a mighty hand, Jesus said no! Dude was on Pacific Coast Highway – I wonder if he visited Skeletor on the way. That could explain things.


Meanwhile, Gawker has a document written for class by one Rivers Cuomo, he of the sexual frustrations and bizarre…well, everything. The (ex-?) Weezer frontman wrote on his 2-year vow of celibacy at a surprisingly low level of English. My favorite parts:

“Bathroom-use led to showing–of-the-apartment which then led to frantic groping on the couch, rendered comical by the fact that I wouldn’t let myself kiss her or touch her anywhere important. “How does that feel, baby?” I said, fondling her elbow.”

“I started exhibiting the classic signs of physical frustration: I tossed and turned in bed all night. I hung on for too long when girlfriends hugged me hello or good-bye (they had to pry me off). I spent extra time in the shower, soaping and scrubbing, wistfully. I even had my very first night-time accident, waking up and rolling over onto my back, tears filling my eyes. “

Awkward. Here are some songs about Jews and sexual frustration:

Metronome – “Chanukah Girl”: mp3
The Decemberists – “Song for Myla Goldberg” (live): mp3
Dismemberment Plan – “Girl O’Clock”: mp3

Up next: an incredible Ryan Adams bootleg.

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