The Sporting Life: An Open Letter From Coach Belichick

On the morning of Monday, November 5th, 2007, an email was sent to The Sporting Life department of The Rawking Refuses To Stop! and it was traced back to an IP in Foxborough, Massachusetts. It is unclear whether it was intended to be publicized and whether it was actually written by Patriots coach Bill Belichick is unverified. Below is the email, unedited and uncut.

Mwahahaha. That’s my evil laugh. Unfortunately, typing it out can’t even begin to capture how truly an evil laugh it is. Lemme try again: MWAHAHAHA. OK, that was close.

So did you guys really think we were gonna go out like little bitches in that one to Peyton Manning? Yeah, right. I heard this Carman fellow that writes for this blog made a $5 wager with Greg (the guy who spins that gay disco shit) that the Colts would win by 4. You felt that $5 bill was pretty safe for a while there didn’t you? MWAHAHAHA. SIKE. [Continue reading…]

I saw what you wrote in that “turbo” rankings article a month back, and I gotta admit that it made me a little peeved. Yeah, that pansyface traitor Mangini tattled on me for videotaping them (what a little punk) at the beginning of the season but that didn’t make me that upset. I mean, really, do you think we needed to cheat in order to beat the Jets? C’mon people! I mean look at those teams we played in the first four games. Those aren’t blowouts… they’re just crappy teams!

People were doubting us because we hadn’t played anyone “good.” Seriously, is there anyone aside from the Patriots that you’d even remotely consider “good” anymore? “Good” hasn’t existed in the NFL ever since I came along and kicked everyones ass into submission with my little disciple, er, quarterback Tom Brady! I love reading power rankings because I love admiring my own greatness. Staring at a mirror doesn’t cut it anymore since a black void of nothingness where my soul should be isn’t much to stare at.

So back to what I was getting at. Yeah, so this little prick with a blog decided to question our superiority and we wanted to put on a little show for him. Yeah running up the score on a bunch of crap teams is a jerk thing to do, but hey, who am I to not want to dish out a delicious bowl of New England-style burnsauce?

I mean, three Super Bowl rings, a one-way ticket to Canton, Ohio, a babe who works for the Giants, and I get to party with Jon Bon Jovi… what more do I want? Oh yeah, TO BREAK EVERY NFL RECORD CONCEIVABLE. Brady’s on pace to have 60 touchdown passes (suck it Peyton!), I’m about to coach the first 16-0 team in the history of the NFL (suck it Shula!), and I’m gonna rub it in the faces of anyone who likes bitch and moan about how fucking awesome I am (suck it everyone!).

No one wanted us to win that game last Sunday. No one. Anyone could see this. But we prevailed. And you know that evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.

We’re about to become the greatest football team on the planet everybody. Just sit back and enjoy the show.


The Sporting Life with Carman Tse: Real talk. Click below for more.